Pride and Purpose
Have you noticed your purpose for doing something can get diluted with prideful feelings for accomplishing it? A simple blog challenge helped me clarify my purpose for writing and separate pride from confidence. It started when I signed up with other Orthodox bloggers to write something for three consecutive days. The plan was to read each other’s blogs and leave comments. It sounded inspiring- I’d love to gain insights from other writers and to check out what they’re doing, but before settling in to write I felt I needed to finish the Christmas clean up leftover from Epiphany.
I’d already hauled off the tree and put away ornaments, but robbed on their holiday pizzazz, the bookcases flanking my fireplace were barren. My husband commented that it looked like moving day. I’ve never liked the stuff on my bookcases, so I boldly tossed out the “only three items per shelf” rule and arranged things with more flair. In order to do that, I had to scrounge around for stuff and that led me to clean out two cabinets below the bookcases. By lunchtime, the contents of both cabinets were strewn all over my living room so I could sort them properly. It was an unnerving sight, but one old book or framed photo at a time, I brought order into my room.
You may think that I was just messing around to avoid writing, and maybe I was. As dusk approached, I settled down with a mug of Earl Grey to start composing something for this blog. I typed a promising first sentence on the topic of knowing when to quit a task, relationship, or personal goal. That was when my husband and son came home, and they both had lots of stories to tell me about their day. I gave them at least half my attention for about fifteen minutes, but as soon as they settled into their own things, I got right back to the keyboard. Since writing ideas had been churning around all day while I’d been so productive, I anticipated an easy writing flow, but it wasn’t.
Abandoning my topic of quitting, soon I skipped from topic to topic, writing a few paragraphs only to delete them because nothing seemed good enough- especially for my fellow Orthodox bloggers. At one point, I realized I was writing about the importance of being genuine while being kind of fake myself.
That’s when I had my personal epiphany: I maybe had a little too much ego invested in this blogging with other writers thing. Usually I write because I have something to express, but my goal then was to come up with something eloquent that the other writers would like. I’m a little intimidated by having them possibly read my blog so I wanted to write something special.
”Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” Jane Austen
Pride and vanity set us up to feel that whatever we do is never enough. For most of us, our attempts to impress are never good enough for our own pride or for what we vainly imagine other people expect of us. It’s the flip side of not trying because you know it won’t be good enough. That’s pride expressed in a different kind of ugly feeling. Isn’t it breathtaking how we can flip from the “I’m so awesome” pride to the “ not good enough” pride in almost no time? Neither one of those attitudes impresses others, they just come away feeling a little more burdened by us.
Doing something to impress reveals a lack of love, a blindness to one’s own self which is always amusing in Jane Austen novels but not in my life. It usually precedes a mercifully humbling failure.
Now that I realized I was starting to prioritize online opinions over my loved ones, I clicked off my laptop and gave my full attention back to my family. We played spades and had a great evening together.
Later, I tried to understand my internal pressures about this writing thing by going back to the beginning. Why did I start writing anyway?
It’s the same reason I love to cook delicious food and serve it on pretty plates, rearrange my bookcases so the room is cozy, and why I plant zinnias each spring. In writing, I want to bring a bit of beauty into the world, to soothe my own swirling thoughts while hopefully helping others, and to share those unanticipated God moments which provide the impetus for my blog posts.
That isn’t pride, it’s elevating the ordinary to a loftier level which gives them a lovelier purpose. Writing is about communicating something I want to share— something that is meant to be helpful and lovely.
I started blogging when my daughter had cancer. Journaling helped me clarify our experiences and focus on what really mattered. Publishing the journal online meant everyone who loved us knew what was happening without us repeating it over and over on the phone. Everyone knew just how to pray for us. It also left me the gift of reading stories about my daughter, the ability to recall what really happened, how kind people were to us, and remember God’s providence even in our deepest losses.
Woven was the book I wish I’d read when I was a teenager. Writing Woven, especially as a team, helped open up places in my past for a kind of retrospective healing. This blog is about authentic challenges and aha moments which relate to being a woman- an Orthodox woman. It’s an expansion of Woven for teens and adults. Blogging is a technologically driven form of writing that moves quickly from composition to posting- usually too quickly for my many typos- but it’s always writing about real life.
Blogging about real life can be dangerous. As women we are often torn between the need to share and the danger of oversharing. Editing my own blogs can be like evaluating the length of the hemline of that cute dress I probably shouldn’t wear. Is my writing authentic or is it too revealing?
Women also are natural pleasers. Pleasing others can be a way we express pride or vanity or it can be a way we conform to society, avoid notoriety, and express care for others. We also live our best lives balancing work and family while keeping our priorities clear. Prioritizing is simplified if we know why we’re doing what we’re doing.
It’s the last day of the three-day blogging binge, and this experience has clarified some issues for me. It reminded me that my family and home come first, that blogging is like making a nice meal to enjoy with company, and that confidence helps produce beauty while pride and vanity just muck it up.
Pride can step aside, purpose is here to give us the quiet confidence we need to know why we’re doing what we’re doing.
